Wanting to be held like the child I’m acting like.
I want to be held by a man, a man, and feel protected and loved and not in a sexual way,
I want to be wanted by a man because he just wants to protect me,
I want to be protected and cared for,
I want to feel like I’m safe and at home in his arms,
I want to not have to worry about the hideous man who looked at me with perversion in his eyes when I was 8 at Barnes and noble,
I want to forget the wink that old trucker gave me when I was 10 and driving out of town with my mother,
I want to repress those memories of that man who drugged me and took my pants off in his apartment when I was 16, …I had just lost my virginity to a boy I barely knew and had no feelings for.
I want to never think about the bruises a guy I’d known since childhood gave me because I wouldn’t kiss or have sex with him… Which ended up happening anyway when I got a little too drunk…
I hate men, I hate my dad, I hate every guy and monster who ever hurt me, physically or not..
I was heartbroken when the first guy I ever fell in love with lied to me, cheated and rejected me when I asked him to be my first,
I hated the guy who led me on then left me the second I introduced him to my “best friend” who ended up fucking him a week later…
I despise the guys who pretended to be like me and understand me and made me get close and ended up leaving me because I wasn’t pretty or sexy or skinny as other girls…
I hated myself for not being lovable, for being used, for being alone, for being abandoned…
I don’t want to love anymore…
I don’t want to feel anymore..
I don’t want to think anymore..
I just want to be desired, because I never was…
I want to be violated by someone who doesn’t care,
Because that’s safer than getting attached…
I want to stop crying over things that will never change.
I want to feel everything, like one big gasp,
One deep breath,
But I know better.
I thought you were better too.
I’ll just stay feeling abandoned.
Hopefully someday you’ll remember how much I cared,
how much I depended on you,
how much you meant to me.
Why did you let this happen to us?
I feel so discarded.
Like I never really mattered at all.
Now I’m more uncertain than I ever was before.
Now I’m more invisible and vulnerable than I ever was before.