beautiful…

now it’s like no matter where I go, who I’m with, if I’m looking into someone’s eyes… I’m not even there. I don’t feel the connection. It’s hard for me to even hold the gaze…

I’m trying to stay attached. But no one understands it when I try to explain how I can’t… How I’m barely holding on. Like I’m barely clinging to the present…

I’ve tried to talk about it… and I can’t get it into anyone’s mind how alone and sad and lost I am.

I know some people I know IRL can read this… I don’t even care anymore.

The only thing keeping me here is knowing I would destroy my mother’s heart.

She’s the only thing I stay rooted to. She’s the only person I would stay here for.

She’s the only person who’s ever been here for me with all of her love and protection.

Sometimes I miss my dad and I cry… wishing I could’ve loved him enough to feel the same way.

I feel like there’s not much left of me. Just the dim coals of what used to be a fire of determination to be the best I could be for my future family..

But I don’t even want them anymore… There is no man I will ever trust, there is no child I will ever be able to give the world to… A world I’m not even a part of, a world I don’t want to be a part of any longer…

I don’t want to feel this alone in a crowd of people.

gpoy

everything about this…