New Life Break Away
But now my car is being egged.
It sucks that people are so unkind…
I haven’t done a single thing to ANYONE, EVER…
Yet I get bullied and harassed and made fun of.
It’s like, how cruel can you be?
I’m just minding my own business trying to get my degree and better myself and get over my suicidal and self harming thoughts,
But people still find a way to make me feel bad.
I know they’re just losers bored with their own lives and they’re not better than me in any way…
But it still hurts to be mistreated after doing absolutely nothing wrong…
I have so much stress and things to worry about, I’m trying to get over the shit in my past but people keep shoveling shit onto me even now.
We’re 20 year olds, it’s time to grow up and stop being bullies.
I have too much on my plate as it is…
Please just leave me alone…
Me.
I’ve done the one thing I swore I’d never do.
I’ve become dependent on you…
~
I have no friends. I have no best friend. I have no motivation. I have no health. I have no regard for my body. I’m back to cigarettes and pills and alcohol.
You let me do this to myself because you’re not my best friend. You claim you love me but you watch me die every day.
I don’t blame you though, I’m not your problem. I’m my own problem…
I shine in school but for what? I’m a filthy worthless disgusting piece of trash.
I don’t deserve what little I’ve been given. And what’s worse is I know self pity is pathetic and weak.
But I wallow in it now.
I drink it in and vomit it out like a poison. I don’t do anything to change how I feel about myself and my life. I just do the same thing over and over expecting to get better.
What was the definition of insanity…?
Had to fight the urge to have a couple beers beforehand…
Think I’m gonna treat myself now.
During my Psych 2 class my teacher touched on cutting and suicide.
I wonder if she saw the effect her words had on me.
I hope the class isn’t too triggering… I started getting the urge when she kept making the motion of a razor dragging across her wrist…
I wonder if it’s freaking him out yet.
He says I’m not fat. But people will say just about anything to make you feel better.
On a side note; my belly button piercing has become quite irritated. Just thought I’d throw that out there… Also, I can’t find my camera… Also, my second year of college starts in two weeks, Also, I still think about suicide. Also, I’m gonna get my 11th piercing soon. Also, I’m really hungry. Also, I ate too much food last night. Also, I have fucked up dreams. Also, I feel like calling her and telling her “I hope you remember your last words to me,” just so in case it does happen, she’ll forever realize what a horrible bitch she truly is.
I feel so fucked up.
by myself.
Knowing I don’t really have anyone I feel completely comfortable confiding in.
So I think all my thoughts, and they linger in me like an infection, starting from my brain, working it’s way down to controlling my mouth, and hands, and legs.
My mouth stops smiling and laughing, my hands start to restrict what goes into my body, my legs become over worked from running and squats and lunges, and so on and so on…
Every muscle in my body falling prey to the virus that begins with the voices that talk to me on the most beautiful of days.
Even if the sun is out and the weather is nice, and people are smiling at me, the voices are in the back of my head.
Maybe you should starve yourself.
“Maybe I should starve myself.”
Don’t look in that reflection, you won’t like what you see.
Ouch. It was right.
“I’m fat.”
Maybe you should starve yourself again.
“Maybe I should starve myself again.”
This is me trying to cram for a Psych test tomorrow, until I realized it isn’t until Wednesday…