New Life Break Away
I want to see you through the smoke of my cigarette,
i want to see the way you acknowledge my eyes looking over your body,
I want to part the crowd and let you know you’re mine for the night.
Or am I yours?
I want to do body shots and lick the lemon juice off your neck..
I want to do a line of coke off your body and lick up what’s left over.
I want you to grab me and shove me into the wall,
rough me up and shove your mouth against mine,
I want to feel your groin pressed up against me.
I want to see the lust in your eyes, watch you lick your lower lip after I bite it.
I want to smell the liquor on your breath and
Feel the softness of your hair as you kiss my neck.
I want to feel the sting of your teeth sinking into my skin.
Can I please you?
Can I be everything you need?
Can I be anything you want?
Make me yours.
I want to be filthy.
I stopped taking my medications few months back and my mom just sort of realized it and instead of having a logical reaction of “hey you shouldn’t just quit antidepressants cold turkey” she was really happy.. Said she didn’t want me to get dependent… Thing is I’ve been wanting to start again…
I have felt old impulses come back,
Self destruction’s such a pretty little thing…
Please…
Familiar.
And I’ll start to touch myself underneath his blankets and he’ll feel my movement and light moans and he’ll lift up the blanket and say “really?” In an exasperated tone and then roll his eyes and drop the blanket.
My boyfriend is either not attracted to me or less versed in sexual ways than I thought.
I see this is going to eat me alive.
I’ll just turn to drinking for a release.
I have no complaints.
I stopped taking my medication 5 days ago…
Just so I could start drinking again…
The withdrawal isn’t that bad.
Just some crazy dizzy spells.
It’s almost euphoric.
I feel my eyes roll to the back of my head and my mind feels weightless.
(I thought of you today)
I hadn’t thought about our past in a while.
I honestly have no reason to want to die…
But that doesn’t change the fact I still want to.
I’m not sad.
But is it fucked up that I just don’t want to live anymore so I can get you and your fucked up friends and my fucked up past out of my life?
You weren’t that bad, but it hurt that bad.
I’m so fucked up.
I think I’ll buy a bottle tomorrow night.
My 20th birthday is in two weeks…
I wonder if I’ll make it.
After much thought about it I decided to post a picture of my body…
What most of you do not know or what some of you will not understand is that I have been dealing with an eating disorder for over a year now.
I have been called fat or chubby or ugly all my life by people who were ugly to me and by my own loved ones at one point.
This had a devastating effect on my self image.
I decided to start starving myself and cutting my skin every time I looked at myself in the mirror.
I couldn’t stand what I saw and I would think the most horrible of things to be able to make myself lose weight and feel appealing and wanted.
I was at my lowest when I started smoking and drinking, starving, burning and cutting. I got down to 108lbs…
That was the weight I had always wanted. But it still wasn’t enough.
I got so into my depression and negative thoughts that I thought about killing myself every day.
I figured no one would ever want someone as ugly as me and that no one would ever care enough to stay and put up with someone so fucked up in the head.
I was saved one night on August 11th 2012, by my boyfriend who at the time was just a good friend.
He didnt know I was planning to kill myself that night but he knew I was hurting and he knew I needed to be rescued. He drove around for an hour looking for me.
Since that day I decided I wanted to try.
I wanted to try to fix myself and everything that was wrong with my life.
I cut out some people who were toxic, I decided to tell my mom I needed help…
And I decided to let my good friend into my life as my boyfriend.
Through their support and encouragement I’ve been going to therapy, seeing a psychiatrist and takin medication to help get me back on track an help me feel better about myself and my life.
It’s been a long rough road and there have been many close calls…
I can’t say that I still don’t cut today or that I don’t go a few days without eating sometimes but the truth is that I’m trying.
I’m actually trying.
I am still not pleased with what I see in the mirror but as I’ve been typing this I’ve had it in the back of my mind every second that this picture is about to be put up for all of you to see..
And well, I get told a lot that I am a strong woman.
Who would’ve known my test of strength and progress would be to put up a picture of myself.
My name is Karina, I am 122lbs… And I’m trying.
I can drink tonight and not have him telling me not to.
I love feeling the buzz and weightlessness of alcohol.
Ill float away…
<3