I stopped taking my medications few months back and my mom just sort of realized it and instead of having a logical reaction of “hey you shouldn’t just quit antidepressants cold turkey” she was really happy.. Said she didn’t want me to get dependent… Thing is I’ve been wanting to start again…
I have felt old impulses come back,
Self destruction’s such a pretty little thing…
It’s weird remembering things that I feel weren’t a part of my life but they actually were, and they greatly influenced me… I forgot a lot of things but now I remember a lot and, I’m torn between feeling sad and vulnerable and being extremely mad, and I don’t know why I haven’t done something horrible yet…
I just remembered… The time I was drinking with this guy, and,…
He wanted sex but I didn’t and he, grabbed my arm, and pulled me to him and kissed me,
His mouth tasted disgusting, like orange juice and, vodka…
He was shaking, and I felt disgusted.
I remember how badly it hurt..
The hold he had on my arm, and how…he wouldn’t let go.
I remember how after he had kissed me I ran away and locked myself in the bathroom and fought back tears,
I was drunk but I felt vulnerable.
I had never had a man to protect me from monsters like the one waiting for me to come out…
And I remember, seeing the handprint in black and blue on my arm,
And having to cover it so no one would ask.
I ended up being his toy, to bend and break and take his sweat and cum.
For him to hold me down and use me like a garbage disposal,
I remember the hot nights that I’d lie next to him wanting to die because I was high and drunk and used and tired, oh so tired, of always feeling like something to be used and tossed away,
Laying every night remembering the way he didn’t know a thing about me,
How he didn’t know my favorite color,
Or how I hate pickles and that I wanted to be an astronaut when I was four;
How I like to stare at the stars and lay in the grass on hot sunny days…
He didn’t know, and he didn’t care, but I stayed because I wanted the cheap liquor and drugs.
I don’t know what made me remember these things, but, I feel like crying, but I also feel like throwing up.
I guess I, I’m used to being trash. Why else would everyone hate me?
Love this movie, unfortunately it does trigger some old habits…
After much thought about it I decided to post a picture of my body…
What most of you do not know or what some of you will not understand is that I have been dealing with an eating disorder for over a year now.
I have been called fat or chubby or ugly all my life by people who were ugly to me and by my own loved ones at one point.
This had a devastating effect on my self image.
I decided to start starving myself and cutting my skin every time I looked at myself in the mirror.
I couldn’t stand what I saw and I would think the most horrible of things to be able to make myself lose weight and feel appealing and wanted.
I was at my lowest when I started smoking and drinking, starving, burning and cutting. I got down to 108lbs…
That was the weight I had always wanted. But it still wasn’t enough.
I got so into my depression and negative thoughts that I thought about killing myself every day.
I figured no one would ever want someone as ugly as me and that no one would ever care enough to stay and put up with someone so fucked up in the head.
I was saved one night on August 11th 2012, by my boyfriend who at the time was just a good friend.
He didnt know I was planning to kill myself that night but he knew I was hurting and he knew I needed to be rescued. He drove around for an hour looking for me.
Since that day I decided I wanted to try.
I wanted to try to fix myself and everything that was wrong with my life.
I cut out some people who were toxic, I decided to tell my mom I needed help…
And I decided to let my good friend into my life as my boyfriend.
Through their support and encouragement I’ve been going to therapy, seeing a psychiatrist and takin medication to help get me back on track an help me feel better about myself and my life.
It’s been a long rough road and there have been many close calls…
I can’t say that I still don’t cut today or that I don’t go a few days without eating sometimes but the truth is that I’m trying.
I’m actually trying.
I am still not pleased with what I see in the mirror but as I’ve been typing this I’ve had it in the back of my mind every second that this picture is about to be put up for all of you to see..
And well, I get told a lot that I am a strong woman.
Who would’ve known my test of strength and progress would be to put up a picture of myself.
My name is Karina, I am 122lbs… And I’m trying.
yea these little shits are going to make me feel better apparently.
Mom’s giving me shit for being on meds.
I guess I’ll do a daily as to how they make me feel and react with my body.
Should help other people out hopefully.