New Life Break Away
After much thought about it I decided to post a picture of my body…
What most of you do not know or what some of you will not understand is that I have been dealing with an eating disorder for over a year now.
I have been called fat or chubby or ugly all my life by people who were ugly to me and by my own loved ones at one point.
This had a devastating effect on my self image.
I decided to start starving myself and cutting my skin every time I looked at myself in the mirror.
I couldn’t stand what I saw and I would think the most horrible of things to be able to make myself lose weight and feel appealing and wanted.
I was at my lowest when I started smoking and drinking, starving, burning and cutting. I got down to 108lbs…
That was the weight I had always wanted. But it still wasn’t enough.
I got so into my depression and negative thoughts that I thought about killing myself every day.
I figured no one would ever want someone as ugly as me and that no one would ever care enough to stay and put up with someone so fucked up in the head.
I was saved one night on August 11th 2012, by my boyfriend who at the time was just a good friend.
He didnt know I was planning to kill myself that night but he knew I was hurting and he knew I needed to be rescued. He drove around for an hour looking for me.
Since that day I decided I wanted to try.
I wanted to try to fix myself and everything that was wrong with my life.
I cut out some people who were toxic, I decided to tell my mom I needed help…
And I decided to let my good friend into my life as my boyfriend.
Through their support and encouragement I’ve been going to therapy, seeing a psychiatrist and takin medication to help get me back on track an help me feel better about myself and my life.
It’s been a long rough road and there have been many close calls…
I can’t say that I still don’t cut today or that I don’t go a few days without eating sometimes but the truth is that I’m trying.
I’m actually trying.
I am still not pleased with what I see in the mirror but as I’ve been typing this I’ve had it in the back of my mind every second that this picture is about to be put up for all of you to see..
And well, I get told a lot that I am a strong woman.
Who would’ve known my test of strength and progress would be to put up a picture of myself.
My name is Karina, I am 122lbs… And I’m trying.
How I feel. The reason I never left him touch me.
It’s so fucking painful to see someone else put it in words.
Right now.
I’m restricting again.
I’m too fat now. I’m disgusting.
My boyfriend and I…
He’s honestly the only reason I push along.
He always reminds me how much he cares and wants me to be happy.
He checks to make sure I haven’t cut myself,
He checks to make sure I’ve been eating.
He reminds me how much I mean to him every day.
He tells me I’m beautiful despite my many protests.
Our relationship isn’t perfect.
I have a temper and he points it out when I throw a little tantrum, he keeps it real and is considerate when it comes to telling me that I’m being moody or unreasonable.
He has so much patience with me and he doesn’t deserve to deal with all my problems but he still does and does it with the most amazing sensitivity I never knew he was capable of.
He kissed my scars before we were a couple.
He was my friend before he was my boyfriend and now he is my best friend.
I’m myself around him and I tell him everything and we’re always honest with each other.
No our relationship isn’t perfect.
And we’re not perfect together,
But in our imperfections,
We truly appreciate and love each other
