After much thought about it I decided to post a picture of my body…
What most of you do not know or what some of you will not understand is that I have been dealing with an eating disorder for over a year now.
I have been called fat or chubby or ugly all my life by people who were ugly to me and by my own loved ones at one point.
This had a devastating effect on my self image.
I decided to start starving myself and cutting my skin every time I looked at myself in the mirror.
I couldn’t stand what I saw and I would think the most horrible of things to be able to make myself lose weight and feel appealing and wanted.
I was at my lowest when I started smoking and drinking, starving, burning and cutting. I got down to 108lbs…
That was the weight I had always wanted. But it still wasn’t enough.
I got so into my depression and negative thoughts that I thought about killing myself every day.
I figured no one would ever want someone as ugly as me and that no one would ever care enough to stay and put up with someone so fucked up in the head.
I was saved one night on August 11th 2012, by my boyfriend who at the time was just a good friend.
He didnt know I was planning to kill myself that night but he knew I was hurting and he knew I needed to be rescued. He drove around for an hour looking for me.
Since that day I decided I wanted to try.
I wanted to try to fix myself and everything that was wrong with my life.
I cut out some people who were toxic, I decided to tell my mom I needed help…
And I decided to let my good friend into my life as my boyfriend.
Through their support and encouragement I’ve been going to therapy, seeing a psychiatrist and takin medication to help get me back on track an help me feel better about myself and my life.
It’s been a long rough road and there have been many close calls…
I can’t say that I still don’t cut today or that I don’t go a few days without eating sometimes but the truth is that I’m trying.
I’m actually trying.
I am still not pleased with what I see in the mirror but as I’ve been typing this I’ve had it in the back of my mind every second that this picture is about to be put up for all of you to see..
And well, I get told a lot that I am a strong woman.
Who would’ve known my test of strength and progress would be to put up a picture of myself.
My name is Karina, I am 122lbs… And I’m trying.
he says “the meds make you feel like shit”, and that I’m okay…
I’m sorry little brother, A calm “shit” feeling is better than a suicidal “shit” feeling.
I know you care, I know my mom and bf do too,
but I can’t handle this anymore.
I’m trying to get better.
I need you now.
I think only about the bad things and barely see the good memories of anything anymore.
It’s gotten so bad…
All I see is the hurt and pain.
It makes me resent everyone and everything.
Every memory is like a splinter.
I just want to hurt myself…
about some of the things I’ve been dealing with…
she started naming a bunch of disorders, this is what I’m scared of.
I don’t want to be labeled these things.
I don’t want to know what’s wrong with me.
This pain is all I’ve known.
I’m scared of the change.
I’m scared of the therapy.
She told me to tell my mom tonight.
I’ve decided either I tell her tonight or
I kill myself run away.
I’ve never been so terrified in my life.
I don’t want to be a burden.
I don’t want to be a fuck up.
But I’m so damaged and broken.
I feel so helpless…
I didn’t hurt you though. No, I could’ve hurt you so much worse.
I could’ve read you the pages upon pages I wrote about how much you fucked me up.
How I felt when I saw you talking to other girls like that…
How I felt when you lied to me about it…
How I felt when you forgot you were the one who broke my heart first.
How you made me think there was a chance for us and then have no decency to at least be discreet about your flirting with other girls when I was still hurting over teh break up the day before.
No, I could.ve told you every word I wanted to spit at your face but I never did because I will never be that person.
Not even could I act that way towards a heartless bitch when she told me everyone hated me after I told her I was suicidal.
Is it sad to say I felt nothing last night but nostalgia?
It was a little ironic…
So long ago you broke up with me and told me to move on because you wanted to be free. And I had to go to your house the next day and try to face you without breaking down…
And now I have left you, and you thought you wouldnt have the strength to see me now?
Irony. I suppose.
I took the last of my pills yesterday so I wouldnt abuse them anymore.
Yea, there’s proof I said that. Right here.
I remember when you tried to make me seem as though I abused pills here on tumblr. You tried to make me seem like alot of things.
Well here’s the ugly truth for everyone to see now…
You broke my heart, and now I have returned the favor. I didn’t do it to hurt you, I did it to save me…
I was miserable with you because I couldn’t be happy and knew I couldn’t make you happy either. Everytime I saw you I thought of all the stupid shit you did. But I tried to look past it. I know I wasn’t perfect either.
I developed a disease. And now I’m trying to overcome it.
I know you think it was because of you… and I know I’ve told you that wasn’t true.
But honestly, it was.
This is the ugly truth. Laid out for everyone to see.
Sometimes I think about writing my…what is it now..?…4th? 5th? suicide note.
But then I think about how exhausting that would be.
It’d go something like,
I never found true happiness because I never knew what it was to trust someone I put my whole heart with… I never found happiness because my dad was no dad… my friends were never friends… my body was never what I wanted…My mind was always so lost and I was always so sad and confused… I would say something else like How much sorrow and remorse I felt for leaving my mom so suddenly and without warning… How she was the only person who never turned her back on me… How much I love her and will always look after her if God would grant me mercy and not send me straight to hell. Then I’d probably ramble a bit about how I wonder if there will be a heaven or hell… and how I’m so miserable that it wouldn’t matter where I end up… Then I’ll probably leave a little side note for my dear best friend Leresa, “Remember the last things you said to me.” I’ll then go on to lament that I will never know what it is to have my own child… an idea that kept me rooted to earth for so long… It’s hard to keep dreaming of something that’s so far away… Then I’d say something to my dad, like, “I love you daddy, I wish you hadn’t left…”
Then I’d probably sign it “Karina.”
Nothing fancy, just plain, Karina. That’s all I ever was anyway…
Yea, I guess it would be a little something like that… ya know, if it wasn’t so exhausting to write one.
In all probability if it does happen the real note will say,
“I’m so tired. I just want to sleep. Goodnight.”
As if I’ll see you again soon after I’ve gotten enough rest…
As for the actual death.. I thought about the wrists… so vulnerable, so lovely, the only part of my body I love. They’re so tiny, so fragile… so full of vitality, one deep cut would be all it takes… my beautiful wrists would lead to my beautiful end.
Then I would sleep…
now it’s like no matter where I go, who I’m with, if I’m looking into someone’s eyes… I’m not even there. I don’t feel the connection. It’s hard for me to even hold the gaze…
I’m trying to stay attached. But no one understands it when I try to explain how I can’t… How I’m barely holding on. Like I’m barely clinging to the present…
I’ve tried to talk about it… and I can’t get it into anyone’s mind how alone and sad and lost I am.
I know some people I know IRL can read this… I don’t even care anymore.
The only thing keeping me here is knowing I would destroy my mother’s heart.
She’s the only thing I stay rooted to. She’s the only person I would stay here for.
She’s the only person who’s ever been here for me with all of her love and protection.
Sometimes I miss my dad and I cry… wishing I could’ve loved him enough to feel the same way.
I feel like there’s not much left of me. Just the dim coals of what used to be a fire of determination to be the best I could be for my future family..
But I don’t even want them anymore… There is no man I will ever trust, there is no child I will ever be able to give the world to… A world I’m not even a part of, a world I don’t want to be a part of any longer…
I agree it was way too long to be kept from a truth like that. and I was a little shocked. it didnt click til a couple years later how my sister came about while my dad and mom were supposed high school sweethearts, it broke my heart when i found out how it happened.