Lately mortality has been on my mind…
Everything I feel about them, everything I remember, everything I hate and everything that I miss.
After much thought about it I decided to post a picture of my body…
What most of you do not know or what some of you will not understand is that I have been dealing with an eating disorder for over a year now.
I have been called fat or chubby or ugly all my life by people who were ugly to me and by my own loved ones at one point.
This had a devastating effect on my self image.
I decided to start starving myself and cutting my skin every time I looked at myself in the mirror.
I couldn’t stand what I saw and I would think the most horrible of things to be able to make myself lose weight and feel appealing and wanted.
I was at my lowest when I started smoking and drinking, starving, burning and cutting. I got down to 108lbs…
That was the weight I had always wanted. But it still wasn’t enough.
I got so into my depression and negative thoughts that I thought about killing myself every day.
I figured no one would ever want someone as ugly as me and that no one would ever care enough to stay and put up with someone so fucked up in the head.
I was saved one night on August 11th 2012, by my boyfriend who at the time was just a good friend.
He didnt know I was planning to kill myself that night but he knew I was hurting and he knew I needed to be rescued. He drove around for an hour looking for me.
Since that day I decided I wanted to try.
I wanted to try to fix myself and everything that was wrong with my life.
I cut out some people who were toxic, I decided to tell my mom I needed help…
And I decided to let my good friend into my life as my boyfriend.
Through their support and encouragement I’ve been going to therapy, seeing a psychiatrist and takin medication to help get me back on track an help me feel better about myself and my life.
It’s been a long rough road and there have been many close calls…
I can’t say that I still don’t cut today or that I don’t go a few days without eating sometimes but the truth is that I’m trying.
I’m actually trying.
I am still not pleased with what I see in the mirror but as I’ve been typing this I’ve had it in the back of my mind every second that this picture is about to be put up for all of you to see..
And well, I get told a lot that I am a strong woman.
Who would’ve known my test of strength and progress would be to put up a picture of myself.
My name is Karina, I am 122lbs… And I’m trying.
Everyone speaks badly of me.
When in reality all I ever did was try to be happy.
They don’t know how much I’ve suffered.
They don’t know how many times I was hurt and by who and for what.
They just see a “fake” girl who got with her exes friend.
They didnt know our relationship, they didn’t know what I went through everyday in my mind…
Is it wrong of me to want to be happy?
Is it wrong of me to try to feel better about myself and my life?
I guess I’m just that horrible girl.
I guess I dot deserve happiness.
I hate everyone and their double standards.
I hate that I have to go through this just to be able to love someone and be treated amazingly for once.
I hate this.
I don’t know how I feel about him anymore.
I feel like he’s lied to me.
I feel like he speaks badly of me.
I feel like he’s not my friend.
Annabel Lee is the name I want to give my daughter.
“And she lived with no other thought than to love and be loved by me”
I think only about the bad things and barely see the good memories of anything anymore.
It’s gotten so bad…
All I see is the hurt and pain.
It makes me resent everyone and everything.
Every memory is like a splinter.
I just want to hurt myself…
I’d like to say something.
I know I’m not perfect, I know I’ve made mistakes and I have hurt people.
But I know I’m not as horrible as what people make me out to be.
I may be distant, but I’m not frigid.
I may be blunt, but I’m not rude.
I may be opinionated, but I’m not arrogant.
I’ve been through so much that no one knows.
I’ve been suicidal and self harming since I was 12, I recently developed worse habits such as starving myself and abusing drugs. I went through a period of total hell where I just remember hazy nights after taking pills and shots, waking up naked in some guys apartment, I’ve had disgusting old men eyeing me since I was 9. I’ve felt abandoned ever since my dad left when I was 4. I have felt ugly since I was old enough to realize boys would never go for the plain tomboy I was. I’ve felt lonely since I realized all the “best friends” I ever had were just bitches or two faced or users. I was bullied about my weight and appearance when I was in middle school and even up until high school. I’ve always had the pressure of trying to live up to my mom’s standards. And I’ve always felt so incredibly left out of the world because I’ve never in my life felt like I belonged.
Even with all of this, I know I’m not a bad person.
I’ve never cheated on someone, even though someone has done that to me…
I’ve never called someone names, even when that was all I would ever hear spoken to me…
I’ve never anonymously told someone something terrible even though I’ve had it done to me…
I’ve never used someone, even though I experienced that all of my god forsaken life…
I … I talked two people down from suicide… two. Two lives… I saved…
And no one knows these things about me… yet they call me a bitch, or a whore, or a slut, or an awful person…
They say these things without knowing me.
And it just, it hurts so bad… because , I was such…a sweet girl… and as I type this i’m beginning to cry… because i was so innocent, and sweet, and loving…
and everyone turned me into what I am now…
I’m a broken, worthless, self pitying waste of potential… I always wanted so much out of life, and more than anything, I wanted children, someone to love unconditionally… to nurture and care for and adore… and now I feel so hollow and pathetic… and unworthy of such a precious gift.
I don’t know how I’ve managed to stay together this long…
I can hardly bare it anymore.. the constant emptiness, the urge to hurt myself, the flood of memories from a past that haunts me every god damned day…
I know not a lot of people will read this…
But maybe if someday I pass away, I hope they remember these words, and try to remember that everyone is special, and everyone deserves to be treated right, because if you don’t treat them right, they might believe they don’t deserve it at all…
I love you all…
and I go back to talking to you like the way we would when we were good friends.
I’m still not in love with you.
I’ve done the one thing I swore I’d never do.
I’ve become dependent on you…
I have no friends. I have no best friend. I have no motivation. I have no health. I have no regard for my body. I’m back to cigarettes and pills and alcohol.
You let me do this to myself because you’re not my best friend. You claim you love me but you watch me die every day.
I don’t blame you though, I’m not your problem. I’m my own problem…
I shine in school but for what? I’m a filthy worthless disgusting piece of trash.
I don’t deserve what little I’ve been given. And what’s worse is I know self pity is pathetic and weak.
But I wallow in it now.
I drink it in and vomit it out like a poison. I don’t do anything to change how I feel about myself and my life. I just do the same thing over and over expecting to get better.
What was the definition of insanity…?