I wish I was thinner.
I need to be thinner
I want to be lighter.
I want to disappear.
I’m failing all of my classes besides Psychology,
I’m not motivated to do anything anymore.
I just lay in bed all day.
I cancel plans with people,
and avoid parties and things of that nature.
I think too much,
about stupid things that I shouldnt let get to me.
The thoughts about losing weight haven’t left me.
The thoughts about running away have been feeling heavier.
I think I need help.
I’m just scared of life passing me by.
I want to be happy, and I want to be functional.
But I feel like right now I’m just biting off more than I can chew.
That I’m trying to be perfect and brilliant in college and life,
but I’m trying to hard, and it’s getting me nowhere but deeper into depression.
Should I ask for help?
to jump on you and just hug you and go back to the way it was the summer of 2011.
But then, they’re gone, just as quick as they came.
That’s how I know I wasn’t meant to be unhappy,
that’s how I know this isn’t who I really am…
Inside I’m still desperate for love and happiness.
But inside is where the struggle keeps me from achieving it.
But it’s not as simple as “I’m shattered and that’s why I’m broken”
It’s more like,
I’m shattered, I’ve given a piece of my heart to every person I ever loved,
And every person I ever loved has hurt me, or left me,
and I just feel like,
I invested myself in these people,
only to have them skewer themselves from my life.
So I’m left without pieces.
with scattered pieces of myself where I entrusted them to my friends and lovers and family…
I can only keep myself together long enough when I have a group of friends come together to help me.
But I’ll never be complete.
I’ll forever be struggling to keep whole.
I realize now that this is why I am never happy.
Ever since my mother started asking me that at the age of 6, “Why are you never happy?”
I have wondered why.
“Why am I never happy?”
I know now.
I need you to keep me whole.
I’m lost without the love I’ve given out.
I’m empty without the reciprocation of the time and feelings I’ve given to you all.
He’s such a nice person,
and has had so much crap handed to him.
He doesn’t deserve to be unhappy.
I know no one cares,
but I do.
I had to let everyone know,
I care so much for his well being,
and it pains me that he is unhappy.
I wish I could help him some way.
I’m glad he’s getting to move away from here,
I know he really needs it.
I just hope he finds peace soon.
about my dad,
about my family,
I’m ready to be at peace,
I’m ready to be happy.
Whether it’s with all these people or not,
I know I’ll be happy soon.
I know I’ll be happy.