Lately mortality has been on my mind…
It really is…
Wanting to be held like the child I’m acting like.
I want to be held by a man, a man, and feel protected and loved and not in a sexual way,
I want to be wanted by a man because he just wants to protect me,
I want to be protected and cared for,
I want to feel like I’m safe and at home in his arms,
I want to not have to worry about the hideous man who looked at me with perversion in his eyes when I was 8 at Barnes and noble,
I want to forget the wink that old trucker gave me when I was 10 and driving out of town with my mother,
I want to repress those memories of that man who drugged me and took my pants off in his apartment when I was 16, …I had just lost my virginity to a boy I barely knew and had no feelings for.
I want to never think about the bruises a guy I’d known since childhood gave me because I wouldn’t kiss or have sex with him… Which ended up happening anyway when I got a little too drunk…
I hate men, I hate my dad, I hate every guy and monster who ever hurt me, physically or not..
I was heartbroken when the first guy I ever fell in love with lied to me, cheated and rejected me when I asked him to be my first,
I hated the guy who led me on then left me the second I introduced him to my “best friend” who ended up fucking him a week later…
I despise the guys who pretended to be like me and understand me and made me get close and ended up leaving me because I wasn’t pretty or sexy or skinny as other girls…
I hated myself for not being lovable, for being used, for being alone, for being abandoned…
I don’t want to love anymore…
I don’t want to feel anymore..
I don’t want to think anymore..
I just want to be desired, because I never was…
I want to be violated by someone who doesn’t care,
Because that’s safer than getting attached…
I want to stop crying over things that will never change.
I want to feel everything, like one big gasp,
One deep breath,
We fucked in your car and it was sublime.
The sound of the raindrops colliding with the metal,
The wind adding to the rocking of the vehicle.
It was hot despite the cold front outside.
I started sweating after the first blowjob.
And then I let you in.
I decided to face you and look into your eyes.
I could feel the seatbelt buckle digging into my shin.
(I anticipated this from a previous drunk experience)
The pain was a distant shadow,
The feeling of your cock pushing me to my limits,
It was painful but I didn’t care,
You said you were sorry and I hushed you with a kiss.
I would take any pain for you,
I told you I could take so much more.
I closed my eyes and looked upward,
When I looked down you had closed yours and you were biting your lip.
I heard the sound of coyotes howling in the distance.
I started to fuck you furiously and relentlessly despite the fact my pussy was under extreme stress.
I loved it, the sweat, the smell, your lips, the rain.
I whispered “I love you” as I rode you,
You kissed me and replied “I love you too.”
We fucked in your car, and It was sublime.
I really don’t care what they are about. Anons are accepted.
I’m going to leave this disgusting city.
I’m going to leave and never give a second glance.
The day I moved here was the day my innocence and happiness died.
I will delete my Facebook I will erase my phone contacts,
I’ll just move to California or New Mexico or Colorado and start again.
The people here are poison.
I’m trying so hard to forget about the stupid shit I went through the stupid shit people did to me..
I forgive but I don’t forget, I will never forget…
Not until I can move away and breathe in a sigh of relief, air that isn’t contaminated by the infectious words breathed out by the horrible people who live here.
I want to be free.
And that won’t happen until I get away.
Someone please take me away before I remove myself forever.