Going for my darker look today. I haven’t in slept 24 hours. My mind and eyes are fixing to explode and I have a wicked need to have something in my mouth, I’ve been biting my lips like crazy. Wish I was with my bf. guess cigarettes will have to do til I’m out of classes later.
My face, don’t change the source, went through sufficient amount of pain to not have credit taken from me.
My dirty tongue.
I’m starved of it.
I wish for only the attention of the guy I chose…
But he doesn’t give me all that I need.
And I know that in some sick kind of way I love that..
I love that I have to command his attention for a kiss or a look..
If he was all over me I’d be suffocated by the nearness of him.
If he lusted after me the way I lust after him I would be burned by his proximity
His touch would ache in a foul way and I’d begin to rot.
I cannot explain how this sick toxic thing became something I needed…
But if it were any other way I wouldn’t be able to go on with him.
I need to be loved but I will push any one who gets too close.
He doesn’t realize how fucked up and high it makes me feel when I have to plead for his attention…
How I have to kiss his neck and stomach a million times to get him to want me to actually touch him.
I’m a sick filthy creature I just want to love and be love and satisfy, but I can’t let anyone near..
And I guess that’s why I stick around…
I’ve become such a pathetic disgusting piece of shit.
I don’t even deserve him. He’s a great boyfriend, a normal girl would be perfect and in love with just the way he is and not needy of him the way I am.
I know I’m toxic and infectious and will be like cancer to him…
But he is mine and I am his and I want to keep playing this sick game of chase.
He’s mine and I’m his and I don’t want it any other way,
Because any other way would destroy what’s left of me.