New Life Break Away
Well this sounds familiar..
I stopped taking my medications few months back and my mom just sort of realized it and instead of having a logical reaction of “hey you shouldn’t just quit antidepressants cold turkey” she was really happy.. Said she didn’t want me to get dependent… Thing is I’ve been wanting to start again…
I have felt old impulses come back,
Self destruction’s such a pretty little thing…
I don’t think I can handle this night on my own…
I just have this urge now.
Why do I feel so inadequate…
I don’t know why this makes me so sad..
I can’t handle anything right now.
I’m such a waste of anything good.
My walking legs, my working hands, my seeing eyes…
I don’t deserve a single thing on this earth.
I’m scum. I’m shit.
I’m disgusting and worthless.
I want so badly to hurt myself…
I want so badly I cease existing.
I wish I had never existed at all.
I don’t understand why anyone cares.
I’m everything horrible there is wrong with anything. I wish I could think of words to describe how awful I feel about myself. I want to burn.
I want to be in agony.
I deserve it.
I don’t deserve him or her.
I want to die.
After much thought about it I decided to post a picture of my body…
What most of you do not know or what some of you will not understand is that I have been dealing with an eating disorder for over a year now.
I have been called fat or chubby or ugly all my life by people who were ugly to me and by my own loved ones at one point.
This had a devastating effect on my self image.
I decided to start starving myself and cutting my skin every time I looked at myself in the mirror.
I couldn’t stand what I saw and I would think the most horrible of things to be able to make myself lose weight and feel appealing and wanted.
I was at my lowest when I started smoking and drinking, starving, burning and cutting. I got down to 108lbs…
That was the weight I had always wanted. But it still wasn’t enough.
I got so into my depression and negative thoughts that I thought about killing myself every day.
I figured no one would ever want someone as ugly as me and that no one would ever care enough to stay and put up with someone so fucked up in the head.
I was saved one night on August 11th 2012, by my boyfriend who at the time was just a good friend.
He didnt know I was planning to kill myself that night but he knew I was hurting and he knew I needed to be rescued. He drove around for an hour looking for me.
Since that day I decided I wanted to try.
I wanted to try to fix myself and everything that was wrong with my life.
I cut out some people who were toxic, I decided to tell my mom I needed help…
And I decided to let my good friend into my life as my boyfriend.
Through their support and encouragement I’ve been going to therapy, seeing a psychiatrist and takin medication to help get me back on track an help me feel better about myself and my life.
It’s been a long rough road and there have been many close calls…
I can’t say that I still don’t cut today or that I don’t go a few days without eating sometimes but the truth is that I’m trying.
I’m actually trying.
I am still not pleased with what I see in the mirror but as I’ve been typing this I’ve had it in the back of my mind every second that this picture is about to be put up for all of you to see..
And well, I get told a lot that I am a strong woman.
Who would’ve known my test of strength and progress would be to put up a picture of myself.
My name is Karina, I am 122lbs… And I’m trying.
But now my car is being egged.
It sucks that people are so unkind…
I haven’t done a single thing to ANYONE, EVER…
Yet I get bullied and harassed and made fun of.
It’s like, how cruel can you be?
I’m just minding my own business trying to get my degree and better myself and get over my suicidal and self harming thoughts,
But people still find a way to make me feel bad.
I know they’re just losers bored with their own lives and they’re not better than me in any way…
But it still hurts to be mistreated after doing absolutely nothing wrong…
I have so much stress and things to worry about, I’m trying to get over the shit in my past but people keep shoveling shit onto me even now.
We’re 20 year olds, it’s time to grow up and stop being bullies.
I have too much on my plate as it is…
Please just leave me alone…
