Get really critical about myself… Questioning if I was really such a bad friend like she said,
Or fake or a bitch like others say…
It tears at me in ways nobody really realizes.
I question myself even though I know they’re wrong…
I am the person who will see you suffering and always offer support and kindness..
I am the person who will never wish badly on anyone just because they’ve wronged me..
I am the person who tells you you’re beautiful because you really, really are..
I am the person who won’t look for a fight despite my car getting egged or being harassed..
I am the person who will never stop caring despite what you’ve done to me…
I am the person who brought her milkshakes when she was sick,
I am the person who took care of him when he was hungover..
I am the person who rubbed his feet when they hurt,
I am the person who wrote to him in jail despite the fact he was my first heartbreak..
I am the person who talked down TWO people from suicide, I saved two lives..
I am the person who never hesitates to help despite almost never getting any of my own…
I am the person who will push you back into shape and happiness despite the fact I’m breaking.
So I may question myself and I may sometimes think that maybe they’re right…
But I remember things that no one knows about me.
You all are free to judge,
Just, don’t ever say you are a good person if you try to bring someone else down,
Because you’re not… You’re just pathetic.
Someone please just fucking help me…
I’m torn between wanting to be saved and wanting to let everything go.
I wish of never fallen in love with you.
I just want to let go…
Why I ever put up with all the bullshit every guy ever put me through.
I still feel alone,
He helps me so much, but even now,
I’m starting to think of death again.
Not an escape from anyone,
Just an escape from myself.
I’m tired of remembering you.
I stopped taking my medication 5 days ago…
Just so I could start drinking again…
The withdrawal isn’t that bad.
Just some crazy dizzy spells.
It’s almost euphoric.
I feel my eyes roll to the back of my head and my mind feels weightless.
(I thought of you today)
I hadn’t thought about our past in a while.
I honestly have no reason to want to die…
But that doesn’t change the fact I still want to.
I’m not sad.
But is it fucked up that I just don’t want to live anymore so I can get you and your fucked up friends and my fucked up past out of my life?
You weren’t that bad, but it hurt that bad.
I’m so fucked up.
I think I’ll buy a bottle tomorrow night.
My 20th birthday is in two weeks…
I wonder if I’ll make it.
I can’t handle anything right now.
I’m such a waste of anything good.
My walking legs, my working hands, my seeing eyes…
I don’t deserve a single thing on this earth.
I’m scum. I’m shit.
I’m disgusting and worthless.
I want so badly to hurt myself…
I want so badly I cease existing.
I wish I had never existed at all.
I don’t understand why anyone cares.
I’m everything horrible there is wrong with anything. I wish I could think of words to describe how awful I feel about myself. I want to burn.
I want to be in agony.
I deserve it.
I don’t deserve him or her.
I want to die.
After much thought about it I decided to post a picture of my body…
What most of you do not know or what some of you will not understand is that I have been dealing with an eating disorder for over a year now.
I have been called fat or chubby or ugly all my life by people who were ugly to me and by my own loved ones at one point.
This had a devastating effect on my self image.
I decided to start starving myself and cutting my skin every time I looked at myself in the mirror.
I couldn’t stand what I saw and I would think the most horrible of things to be able to make myself lose weight and feel appealing and wanted.
I was at my lowest when I started smoking and drinking, starving, burning and cutting. I got down to 108lbs…
That was the weight I had always wanted. But it still wasn’t enough.
I got so into my depression and negative thoughts that I thought about killing myself every day.
I figured no one would ever want someone as ugly as me and that no one would ever care enough to stay and put up with someone so fucked up in the head.
I was saved one night on August 11th 2012, by my boyfriend who at the time was just a good friend.
He didnt know I was planning to kill myself that night but he knew I was hurting and he knew I needed to be rescued. He drove around for an hour looking for me.
Since that day I decided I wanted to try.
I wanted to try to fix myself and everything that was wrong with my life.
I cut out some people who were toxic, I decided to tell my mom I needed help…
And I decided to let my good friend into my life as my boyfriend.
Through their support and encouragement I’ve been going to therapy, seeing a psychiatrist and takin medication to help get me back on track an help me feel better about myself and my life.
It’s been a long rough road and there have been many close calls…
I can’t say that I still don’t cut today or that I don’t go a few days without eating sometimes but the truth is that I’m trying.
I’m actually trying.
I am still not pleased with what I see in the mirror but as I’ve been typing this I’ve had it in the back of my mind every second that this picture is about to be put up for all of you to see..
And well, I get told a lot that I am a strong woman.
Who would’ve known my test of strength and progress would be to put up a picture of myself.
My name is Karina, I am 122lbs… And I’m trying.
But now my car is being egged.
It sucks that people are so unkind…
I haven’t done a single thing to ANYONE, EVER…
Yet I get bullied and harassed and made fun of.
It’s like, how cruel can you be?
I’m just minding my own business trying to get my degree and better myself and get over my suicidal and self harming thoughts,
But people still find a way to make me feel bad.
I know they’re just losers bored with their own lives and they’re not better than me in any way…
But it still hurts to be mistreated after doing absolutely nothing wrong…
I have so much stress and things to worry about, I’m trying to get over the shit in my past but people keep shoveling shit onto me even now.
We’re 20 year olds, it’s time to grow up and stop being bullies.
I have too much on my plate as it is…
Please just leave me alone…
Im just waiting for a happy accident to claim my life.
I can never do it myself,
I won’t do that to the ones who care about me…
But I can’t be here anymore, physically I am…
My mind floats away.
Where does it go?